My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

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Bruce
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My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 10:50 am

My wife has been trying to kill me in very subtle ways for 16 years. Parts 1 through 15 have been stored away for posthumous evidence.

Approximately once a month, Mrs. Bruce drags the family to the Asian market to stock up on edible Asian culture. One thing I've noticed after 16 years of being dragged to Asian markets in the US is that none of them have adequate parking, and Asian Americans are notoriously vicious road ragers, especially in crowded parking lots.

Halfway through the shopping excursion, and for the 192nd time, Mrs Bruce orders me to take the cart load of goods out to the car while she heads over to the neighboring Asian restaurant to buy take-home dinner for the evening. I am then to meet her there and carry the food back to the car. Sounds innocent, right? A jury would never see the connection to a murder plot, right?

How about I take the kids with me as human shields this time? The kids look at their mother pleadingly and in horror. They've seen this scenario enough times to know how life threatening this situation is. No, she says. Stop being such a baby. It's not that bad. Now go!

For the 192nd time, I make my way to the far side of the parking lot, because we always manage to snag a space in no man's land. By the time I'm halfway there, every car circling the crowded lot has formed a line behind me, like a long, twisting snake of angry, desperate people, impatiently waiting for me to load up my shit in the car and leave. Too bad there's no universal hand signal for "Hey people, I'm not leaving, ok? Just dropping off a huge cartload and going right back in."

This time, the person at the front of the line is a very old Asian woman with a very angry face. She stops right behind me as I load up the car. I shake my head at her and motion for her to move along, even saying that I'm going right back in, but she's not responding. Doesn't speak english. Cars behind her are honking and angrily squeezing around her, almost scraping against other parked cars. She's going nowhere. Eyes fixated on me. I finish loading the goods, close the trunk, and begin pushing the cart back toward the store. After taking a few steps, the old lady lays on the horn for several seconds.

I'm used to this scenario, but this time, the old lady remains in place. Maybe she thinks I'm a stupid goody-two-shoes white boy who doesn't leave the shopping cart in between the parking spaces like all the sensible Asian people. She waits there and glares at me as people continue to honk and drive around her. Once I park my cart at the front of the store and start walking toward the restaurant, the old lady peals out and starts heading toward me. Luckily, the restaurant is right next door and I make it inside before she reaches me. She waits out front with cold blooded murder in her eyes.

Luckily, the restaurant is just as crowded as the market. It takes another 20 minutes for the food to be ready, and by this time, the old lady has chosen another target to stalk. I might not be so lucky when the 193rd time comes up. Of course, I might be dead by then from one of Mrs. Bruce's other subtle murder plots. :evil:
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Rob Lister » Sun Mar 22, 2015 11:21 am

Heh. Your Mrs is a devious genius.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 11:51 am

It makes me a tiny bit sad when I see a young white boy in his 20s at the Asian market with his girlfriend/wife.

Newb.

I used to be that guy.

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Poor hick has no idea what he's in for.

One thing I learned quickly is not to trust the pictures on the front of the packages in the Asian Market. If it looks delicious, then rest assured, it will look nothing like the picture, and it will taste worse than you would have ever imagined, especially if the picture includes white children licking their lips or penguins.

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You have been warned.

Another thing that I learned quickly is that color associations are entirely different between Asians and Americans. If it's purple in American, then it's almost always grape. If it's purple in Asian culture, it's almost always taro root. If it's green in American, then it's usually watermelon, apple, or lime. If it's green in Asian, then its usually green tea, mint, a melon you've never heard of, or green been.

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No matter how many times you tell your brain what it really is, you are sill going to expect grape and lime.

It fun to stand next to old white men like myself in the Asian markets and watch the young white dudes do the same stupid stuff that we used to do in our youth, like try to argue with their Asian wife.

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Hey, I know. Why don't we get two carts and you can push the other one. That way I don't have to make two trips to the car.

HA! Newb! :roll:
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by ed » Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:01 pm

Note Bruce captured in the background.
asian.white.wedding.jpg
:D
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:01 pm

I'm really starting to like this show on ABC called Fresh Off the Boat.

There's this scene that makes me think of Mrs. Bruce. Amazingly, someone put it on Youtube.

[youtube]K0KqH12IgVE[/youtube]
"It's your system shutting down, anyway, my point is..."
:doglaugh:

The only difference with Mrs Bruce would have hit all three in order to prevent bruising the onion. It's a common myth that Asian women are bad drivers. They are actually very good drivers. They only pretend to be bad drivers in order to reduce the sentence to negligent homicide. :wink:
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by scarlett_35 » Sun Mar 22, 2015 12:48 pm

:shock:

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:16 pm

scarlett_35 wrote::shock:
I know, right?

What kind of sick people make ice cream flavors out of flavorless radishes, baby tea leaves, and sesame seeds?

No, seriously.
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And heed my warnings. Don't even try....
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If you're not sure, pink is usually a safe color.
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Usually rose, plum, lychee, or dragonfruit.
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by scarlett_35 » Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:21 pm

:Green: radishes :BlowChunks:

It all looks sooo yummy though

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:24 pm

Not to change the subject, but my serving of fried flounder always seems to have more hidden bones in it than the kid's.
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[hack, choke, cough, aaaaaacccckkk]

Oh, stop being a big baby. This bottom feeding freak of the ocean died for your nourishment.
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Most of my near brushes with death involve my wife's utterance of "Oh, stop being a big baby."
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by scarlett_35 » Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:28 pm

OH stop being a baby, bones are good for you :D

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by grayman » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:16 pm

scarlett_35 wrote:OH stop being a baby, bones are good for you :D
it wouldn't be crunchy without the bones now, would it?




I've had jasmine ice cream while in San Francisco. Quite pleasant actually.
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by pillory » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:19 pm

to comfort Bruce is like -to walk the empty room and looking something to blame---
[video][/video]
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:28 pm

scarlett_35 wrote::Green: radishes :BlowChunks:

It all looks sooo yummy though
I'm pretty sure that the entire Asian "dessert" industry is one huge conspiracy to try to get kids to eat their fruits and vegetables.

How else would you explain this?
Image
Or this?
Image
Or this?
Image
Image
Seriously, mom??
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by pillory » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:32 pm

[video][/video]

this song is so sweet that you want get part of the cake

-- Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:45 pm --

maybe Bruce has to change his live and all to do is drive
[video][/video]
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:48 pm

Actually, that sesame seed ice cream sounds pretty good.

Bean flavored ice cream? Not so weird.

Chocolate and vanilla are beans. So is coffee.

etc :p
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Sun Mar 22, 2015 2:55 pm

Abdul Alhazred wrote:Actually, that sesame seed ice cream sounds pretty good.

Bean flavored ice cream? Not so weird.

Chocolate and vanilla are beans. So is coffee.

etc :p
I've come to enjoy red bean and mung bean desserts, especially the shakes. I had to resist the urge to dip nachos into them at first.
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by grayman » Sun Mar 22, 2015 3:13 pm

Bruce wrote:
Abdul Alhazred wrote:Actually, that sesame seed ice cream sounds pretty good.

Bean flavored ice cream? Not so weird.

Chocolate and vanilla are beans. So is coffee.

etc :p
I've come to enjoy red bean and mung bean desserts, especially the shakes. I had to resist the urge to dip nachos into them at first.
Only reason I bother to drive to Foxwoods in Connecticut is because of this place.. Seriously.


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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Mon Mar 23, 2015 3:07 am

Bruce, you should write books instead of dusty chemical formulas, you're gifted!
Bruce wrote:Not to change the subject, but my serving of fried flounder always seems to have more hidden bones in it than the kid's.
I think I have the right to complain too, so that all the gents here lose their last illusions about the fair sex (the ladies are already in the know, I presume), even non-Asian.
When I traveled in Ireland with my then gf, the B&Bs had bacon for breakfast (and sausages made from sawdust), served by charming old to middle-aged ladies with a Jesus or Pope poster in their kitchens. After 2 – 3 days, I started complaining (ya know, men always whine, &c.) that said bacon was a bit rancid. My gf said of course "What? Not at all!". So we compared. For two weeks I always got the, slightly rancid, first slice, save when both servings were OK (presumably it had been for the husband).

I 'm sure it is a conspiracy, and PatriarchyTM is doomed.

(Not sure, perhaps I already told you that. Well, Alzheimer…)

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Nyarlathotep » Mon Mar 23, 2015 3:24 am

Bruce wrote:
scarlett_35 wrote::Green: radishes :BlowChunks:

It all looks sooo yummy though
I'm pretty sure that the entire Asian "dessert" industry is one huge conspiracy to try to get kids to eat their fruits and vegetables.

How else would you explain this?
Image
Or this?
Image
Or this?
Image
Image
Seriously, mom??
The Green Tea Kit Kats and the White Kit Kats are pretty good
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Mon Mar 23, 2015 11:04 pm

Witness wrote:Bruce, you should write books instead of dusty chemical formulas, you're gifted!
:AwShucksBlush: Aw, shucks.

I address Mrs. Bruce as The Matriarch. Suits her well. :D
Such potential!