My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

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Bruce
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:25 pm

The end might be near for me, my friends.

Something terrifying happened last night. My wife.........................................................................



















she...................................................................................






























...........................agreed with me. :HairRaising:




I remember a time when I would imagine winning one argument, just one. Oh, what elation it that would be. To be the winner. Over the years, I gave up fighting, gave up arguing, gave up disagreeing, and eventually gave up hope. But age is gradually turning me into a ornery bastard. I no longer fear death. I don't fear pain either because I feel pain all the time. I don't mind getting yelled at because I get yelled at constantly, even when I'm doing everything right. I've starting fighting back again, not because I truly believe in my position, but just to be a pain in the ass, and it feels...............vindicating.

So I bought a new house for the wife and kids. It's a lovely house. I've been living in it for the past few weeks by myself while my kids finish school in RI. I've been putting together Ikea furniture, watering trees, putting up shelves, and so forth. I had a disagreement with Mrs Bruce over where exactly to put the book shelves. It was one of those minor disputes that I always lose, no mater how much more rational or scientific my argument is.

Option 1, I texted, put the bookshelves here, we crowd the curtains and block yet another electrical outlet, and there's still not enough room for that table you want to stick in the corner that we'll never use. Option 2, the electrical outlet is free, the curtain is free, and I'm much less grouchy, but of course you are going to choose.........

She texted back......go with Option 1.

:shock:

That................ ain't right. You don't just go 20 years losing every argument, and then just casually........ win a minor dispute. :|

That's it. I'm obviously not useful to her anymore. Maybe the life insurance pay-out has finally surpassed my income. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

I figure she'll keep me around long enough to finish moving and putting the furniture together, then make me a very special bowl of clam chowder "for my hard work", and eagerly watch me eat every bite. That's fine, though. Dying face down in a bowl of clam chowder's not a bad way to go. Beats having a stroke and being bed ridden, unable to move, forced to watch Chinese opera for the remainder of my years. You gotta go sometime, right? :dunno:
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by sparks » Fri Jun 08, 2018 8:59 pm

Give up your day job and write a book or two Bruce. Do it now, before it's too late!!
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Sat Jun 09, 2018 3:34 am

sparks wrote:Give up your day job and write a book or two Bruce. Do it now, before it's too late!!
Sigh!

I fear it's too late: Bruce has come to love his misery. :(

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by shemp » Sat Jun 09, 2018 2:25 pm

Divorce. It's never too soon.
"It is not I who is mad! It is I who is crazy!" -- Ren Hoek

Freedom of choice
Is what you got
Freedom from choice
Is what you want

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Wed Jun 13, 2018 2:41 am

Tap lightly.

Those were the only instructions for a set of standing shelves in the basement. They were advertised as easy to assemble; requiring no tools except for a rubber mallet.

At first, it was easy, and I obediently tapped lightly, but I soon learned that if you didn't tap hard enough, the joint wouldn't stay in place, but if you tapped too hard, all the other joints would pop out of place. The more parts you add, the more joints could pop out, and the whole thing wasn't stable until fully assembled.

Around the halfway point, I was pounding on the thing like an enraged ape. The instructions mocking me.....

Tap lightly.....

About 3/4 the way through, I was almost there, then a spider bit my leg. I swatted and banged my head against the shelf and the whole thing collapsed. As the last piece clanged to the floor, my wife called.

She planned this. Oh yes. She was counting on this thing giving me a heart attack. She probably planted those poisonous spiders too. No. No no no. Must not give her the satisfaction. Big.....deep breath....

Hi.....no everything is fine. What? You sound disappointed. Of course I know what I'm doing. Yes, not even I could fuck up something that was designed to be easy. Yes, in fact I did notice a spider problem in the basement. Sure, I'll check on insecticides tomorrow. Did you just say that there's another one of these shelves on the way tomorrow? Sure, not a problem. Bye.

FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

Tap lightly.
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by asthmatic camel » Wed Jun 13, 2018 3:56 am

Bruce, have you tried to buy Mrs. Bruce a car from a Muslim used car salesman yet?

Your new massachussets paradise will instantly become a tear-sodden living Hell.

"It's the wrong shade of blue and it's a stick shift and it looks boxy and all my friends laugh at it."

You could try buying her an e-bike but then Dr. X will call you a faggot for the rest of your life.



(I couldn't help myself.)
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Wed Jun 13, 2018 1:52 pm

Bruce wrote:Tap lightly ...
Maybe there should be a 'Inanimate objects are trying to kill Bruce" thread. :P
Image "If I turn in a sicko, will I get a reward?"

"Yes! A BIG REWARD!" ====> Click here to turn in a sicko
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Thu Jun 14, 2018 12:19 am

↑ Even a spider tried to kill him! I start to smell a rat: it's… Bruce himself. The Universe hates him! :shock:

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:56 am

Witness wrote:The Universe hates him! :shock:
You are not the first to have said that. :|
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Witness » Thu Jun 14, 2018 4:40 pm

Bruce wrote:
Witness wrote:The Universe hates him! :shock:
You are not the first to have said that. :|
Image

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by asthmatic camel » Thu Jun 14, 2018 6:12 pm

Mrs. Camel, I'm sure, is trying to kill me for the value of my pension plan and insurance policies.

Twice this week I've gone arse over tit tripping over her shoes, which she leaves with seemingly gay abandon everywhere I'm likely to walk.

And she has lots of shoes. A collection to rival that of Imelda Marcos. (My mother secretly calls her Imelda.)

I'm doomed. :(
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Fri Jun 15, 2018 2:12 am

I know, right!?

Does she pack the freezer so much that things fall out of it every time you open it? Sure there's nothing big enough in there to kill me, but a package of frozen chicken breasts falling from four feet is enough to break toes, and she knows that it pisses me off enough to raise my blood pressure, but she keeps on doing it.

Funny, in 20 years, I've never once seen anything fall out if the freezer when she opens it.

It's always subtle. The typical family member, friend, or coroner would say bah, this was nothing more than a common household accident. The poor fellow, after opening the freezer and breaking his toe from the falling....whatever was in that hunk of unlabeled, frost covered wad of plastic.....ew......tripped over a wayward slipper at the top of the stairs, and after tumbling all the way to the bottom, happened to land right on top of an upturned 3inch high heel. Poor guy. Missed the heart too. Must have slowly bled out over 4 days. Too bad his dear wife didn't notice him there on the floor the whole time. Well then, I see no need for further investigation.

Yes. Doomed.
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by sparks » Fri Jun 15, 2018 2:50 am

You have talent my friend.
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by asthmatic camel » Fri Jun 15, 2018 7:24 am

And then there's Mrs. Camel's laptop lead. The number of times she's tripped me up with that are beyond count.

I wouldn't mind, but I always ensure it's fully charged up, so she has no need to keep it plugged in.

And her sousaphone. She never plays it, so it's kept on a shelf above all my CDs. Mysteriously, it edges inch by inch towards the edge until it falls, "by accident" on top of my head when I'm reaching for some obscure Captain Beefheart album.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:22 am

Subtle indeed. The sousaphone is normally the weapon of choice for fat high school boys. Way to send the authorities in the wrong direction.

I'm working on a suitable epitaph for your tombstone.....
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Bruce » Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:04 am

It is here we lay to rest
A wheezy camel who tried his best.
He worked his fingers to the bone
And met his end by sousaphone.
Such potential!

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Fri Jun 15, 2018 1:46 pm

asthmatic camel wrote: ... Captain Beefheart ...
Somebody else here as cool as me! :o
Image "If I turn in a sicko, will I get a reward?"

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by asthmatic camel » Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:35 pm

I'm way cooler than you, Abdul.

And I'm going to Booglarize you, Baby.

And give you the Willies. (Well, I would, but that'd be a bit gay. Not, of course...)

Last edited by asthmatic camel on Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:38 pm

I will listen tonight. :)
Image "If I turn in a sicko, will I get a reward?"

"Yes! A BIG REWARD!" ====> Click here to turn in a sicko
Any man writes a mission statement spends a night in the box.
-- our mission statement plappendale

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asthmatic camel
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Re: My wife is trying to kill me, Part 16

Post by asthmatic camel » Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:21 pm

Bruce wrote:Subtle indeed. The sousaphone is normally the weapon of choice for fat high school boys. Way to send the authorities in the wrong direction.

I'm working on a suitable epitaph for your tombstone.....
I do beg your pardon, it's a Tuba, not a Sousaphone.

Look at all the dinges on this thing. Every single one was inflicted by my cranium. The stains are my dried blood.

Image
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.