Further proof of godhood

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ed
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Further proof of godhood

Post by ed » Sun Jan 21, 2018 1:53 pm

So, we rent pastures to a guy that has horses. Don't care much for the brutes one way or another. Thing is that every so often they make a break for it out of the front gate. This happenned the other day ...

Here you see the beasts conspiring to make a break.

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What did I do as they began their charge? Thousands of pounds of horseflesh hurtling toward me. Was I afraid? Damn right, Sometmes though, you have no choice, particularly when there is no escape.

What did I do? What any god would do ...

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They paused, nonplussed.

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I feared they would regroup and resume their bloody charge so I repeated

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My force of personality (and their minute brainpans) carried the day !@!!!
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HUZZA!!!!!!
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Abdul Alhazred » Sun Jan 21, 2018 2:15 pm

Correct interpretation: They were hitting on you.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by izittrue » Sun Jan 21, 2018 8:45 pm

It's good to be the god. Nice yard.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by gnome » Sun Jan 21, 2018 11:22 pm

Nice!
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by ed » Mon Jan 22, 2018 12:00 am

They coulda killed me.

Beasts.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Witness » Mon Jan 22, 2018 4:07 am

I presume the horses were downwind? :twisted:

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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by izittrue » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:12 pm

ed wrote:They coulda killed me.

Beasts.
You could of parted them down the middle.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Fid » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:52 pm

Well done sir, I (maybe) scared off a bear on the applachian trail by yelling and screaming like a little girl and since I was the liquor carrier (I think rather like Frodo) we had a hot shower on Fontana dam.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by sparks » Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:08 am

A hot shower while hiking? How the hell did you arrange that?
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Fid » Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:26 pm

sparks wrote:A hot shower while hiking? How the hell did you arrange that?
The Applachian Trail runs across the top of Fontana dam. They provide showers.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Giz » Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:13 pm

sparks wrote:A hot shower while hiking? How the hell did you arrange that?
After seeing a bear? Hot golden showers all round!

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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Fid » Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:57 pm

The feral hogs were scarier fortunately we only saw them (they travel in groups) once. While we were sitting around a campfire a mouse bit through my bag of mixed nuts (plant kind) which was in contact with my leg. Cheeky little fucker.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Fid » Tue Jan 23, 2018 11:20 pm

Oh,and regarding horses. A friends family boarded polo "ponies" and convinced me to ride one.
My experiences with horses (city boy here) has not been great and it should come as no surprise that the horse fucked with me.

Being a high spirited animal used to an experienced rider the asshole trotted nicely all the while edging closer and closer to the fence which was topped with barbed wire. I'm pretty sure he knew my leg stuck out farther than his gut. When the wire finally bit into flesh I yanked the reins and he took off running and before I fell off jumped a small ravine in the pasture I'm convinced he wanted me in.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Witness » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:15 am

Analogous experience: nice horsey suddenly put its head between two rows of barbed wire, alleging something especially delicious on the ground there to munch on. I didn't slide into the upper wire, but very barely.

Don't like them, even the taste. :x

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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by sparks » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:24 am

Horses must be convinced from the start of the relationship that you, as the rider, will kill them in abject agony and with lingering pain, if they do not obey you.

Otherwise they will fuck you. And a horse dick is a tough thing to take.

Just ask Listy. :)

It's why we invented cars: We got tired of taking shit from horses. They understand spurs and whips. They do not understand a 9mm to the head.
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Fid » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:08 am

sparks wrote:Horses must be convinced from the start of the relationship that you, as the rider, will kill them in abject agony and with lingering pain, if they do not obey you.

Otherwise they will fuck you. And a horse dick is a tough thing to take.

Just ask Listy. :)

It's why we invented cars: We got tired of taking shit from horses. They understand spurs and whips. They do not understand a 9mm to the head.
Wait, what... Listy survived that party?
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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by asthmatic camel » Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:57 pm

Fid wrote:Well done sir, I (maybe) scared off a bear on the applachian trail by yelling and screaming like a little girl and since I was the liquor carrier (I think rather like Frodo) we had a hot shower on Fontana dam.
You hiked the Appalachian Trail? Something I've always wanted to do after reading Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods.

Here, our hero describes his pre-hike nerves, after having read several books on the topic of bear avoidance.
“My particular dread--the vivid possibility that left me staring at tree shadows on the bedroom ceiling night after night--was having to lie in a small tent, alone in an inky wilderness, listening to a foraging bear outside and wondering what its intentions were. I was especially riveted by an amateur photograph in Herrero's book, taken late at night by a camper with a flash at a campground out West. The photograph caught four black bears as they puzzled over a suspended food bag. The bears were clearly startled but not remotely alarmed by the flash. It was not the size or demeanor of the bears that troubled me--they looked almost comically nonaggressive, like four guys who had gotten a Frisbee caught up a tree--but their numbers. Up to that moment it had not occurred to me that bears might prowl in parties. What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die, of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. I would blow my sphincter out my backside like one of those unrolling paper streamers you get at children's parties--I daresay it would even give a merry toot--and bleed to a messy death in my sleeping bag.”
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by asthmatic camel » Thu Jan 25, 2018 8:39 pm

My, how tales do grow in the telling.

Here's what really happened...

Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by Fid » Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:58 pm

asthmatic camel wrote:
Fid wrote:Well done sir, I (maybe) scared off a bear on the applachian trail by yelling and screaming like a little girl and since I was the liquor carrier (I think rather like Frodo) we had a hot shower on Fontana dam.
You hiked the Appalachian Trail? Something I've always wanted to do after reading Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods.

Here, our hero describes his pre-hike nerves, after having read several books on the topic of bear avoidance.
“My particular dread--the vivid possibility that left me staring at tree shadows on the bedroom ceiling night after night--was having to lie in a small tent, alone in an inky wilderness, listening to a foraging bear outside and wondering what its intentions were. I was especially riveted by an amateur photograph in Herrero's book, taken late at night by a camper with a flash at a campground out West. The photograph caught four black bears as they puzzled over a suspended food bag. The bears were clearly startled but not remotely alarmed by the flash. It was not the size or demeanor of the bears that troubled me--they looked almost comically nonaggressive, like four guys who had gotten a Frisbee caught up a tree--but their numbers. Up to that moment it had not occurred to me that bears might prowl in parties. What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die, of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. I would blow my sphincter out my backside like one of those unrolling paper streamers you get at children's parties--I daresay it would even give a merry toot--and bleed to a messy death in my sleeping bag.”
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail


We didn't do the entire trail. But over the course of a few years we did guessing maybe 5%.

Fun fact, in the fall from the Shuckstack Mountain abandoned fire look-out tower the forest looks like a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal.

Keep in mind these hiking adventures happened 40+ years ago.

Some national forest where hunting is permitted my; dog returns with a raw deer leg. Like we're gonna allow that thing in the van. It took three men to get it away from a 30 pound dog.

An "Ex-Marine" joined us on another outing with his big 'ole German Shepherd she chased and brought down a deer faun. The faun was not hurt but "Ex" wanted to take it home. We finally convinced him that mamma was not far and "dude you live in an apartment where the fuck are you going to keep a wild deer?"

Reason prevailed.
"Try SCE to AUX."
Yeah, me and an electrified atmosphere ain't friends.

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Re: Further proof of godhood

Post by asthmatic camel » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:29 am

Heh.

We don't have anything as impressive as the Appalachian Trail over here but we do have The Pennine Way. Way back when, I worked in a bank in the sleepy but enormously wealthy village of Disley, not too far from the beginning of the way in Edale, and used to spend my lunch hour drinking beer in this rather charming ale house with a collection of middle-aged ne'er do wells who had little to do other than waste their inheritances in the pub.

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Once upon a time, five of these guys decided it would be a bit of a lark to walk the Pennine Way, an endeavour which I encouraged with great enthusiasm. Much hilarity ensued. :D

"Fozzie", who had come up with this grand, healthy plan dropped out at Disley railway station, having decided that carrying a rucksack a quarter of a mile was quite enough for him, thank you very much. "Mike" made the train journey to Edale and decided, after attempting to walk up Jacob's Ladder, that he'd seen enough of the Peak District for one lifetime to slide back down and call a taxi. (Jacob's Ladder is an old track once used by shepherds, farmers etc. to bring their goods to market and leads to the dizzying heights of Kinder Scout at 2000 feet.)

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That left three of them. Two were part-time insurance salesmen and the other was a keep-fit fanatic, heartily loathed by everyone in the village.

Another of my lunch-time boozing chums was safely back in the Dandy Cock two days later.

Much to my surprise, the remaining two managed to hike all the way to Carlisle without killing each other. :D
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.