You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

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Bruce
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You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:58 am

Shit I see every goddamn day.

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I live with animals.

I work with animals.

I used to be a person who tried to keep things clean and orderly, but now I'm overwhelmed and too tired to keep up.

My only hope is that someday.......some day......I will have that secluded island......and I will never have to see shit like this again. I can see it now. An island all to myself. All I have to do is close my eyes.....

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:HoppingMad: :HoppingMad2: :HoppingMad: :HoppingMad2: :HoppingMad: :HoppingMad2:
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by shemp » Wed Feb 07, 2018 5:26 am

I do have to be an asshole. It's in my contract.

I have to put up with this shit at the office. It's a small office with just one bathroom. The worst of it was the day I went in there and found menstrual blood on the toilet seat and floor. I know who the fucking stupid pig was who did it. I don't use the coffee machine anymore, I bring in my own. We don't have a dishwasher; people use the same filthy sponge to wash their dishes. There's always spills on the counter and in the microwave. The only saving grace is that we have a cleaning service come in twice a week. That's the only time the fucking place is clean.
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"[... it seems most strange that... ] the Creator of Heaven and Earth resorted to the womb of a certain Jewish lady, grew there for nine months and was born as an infant, and afterwards grew up and was betrayed into the hands of his enemies who sentenced him to death and executed him, and that afterwards... he came to life and returned to his original place. The mind of a Jew, or any other person, simply cannot tolerate these assertions. If you have listened all your life to the priests who have filled your brain and the marrow of your bones with this doctrine, and it has settled into you because of that accustomed habit. [I would argue that if you were hearing these ideas for the first time, now, as a grown adult], you would never have accepted them." -- Rabbi Moses ben Nahman, defending the Talmud at the Disputation of Barcelona, July 1263.

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Bruce
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Wed Feb 07, 2018 7:31 am

I know, right?! No shame. None at all.

I bring in my own coffee and water. I'm not one of those assholes that buys bottled water and tosses the empties onto the ever toppling pile of recyclables that's in the corner that maybe gets emptied once a week. No, I filter my tap water with one of those Brita filters. I have to because if I don't remove those Rhode Island germs and chemicals from the tap water, I start sounding like a Rhode Islander, saying "goot feh you" in a sarcastic tone, and accusing every business of being a scam "but I knows a guy who can get yehs a goot deal". If you don't filter the water first, you're not drinking coffee; you're drinking "cwoh-fee".

So, every morning, I fill that Brita jug, pour myself a canister of water and make cwoh......er.......coffee, then I fill it back up and put it in the fridge, and every morning, the thing is empty. Every.....damn.....morning.

So one Saturday morning, I catch my son filling up his water bottle, and as he's in the act of putting the empty container back in the fridge, I say, "You know, there's some monster in this house that keeps putting the Brita jug back in the fridge empty, and when I find out who it is, he might one day find some of his own things empty, like his online gaming account, or his closet, or.......". Heh. He froze with wide eyes, then slowly backed away from the fridge. It was clearly the first time he'd ever refilled the thing. I made him stop before he put it back in (filled to the brim) and told him to try pouring himself a glass of water first. After he spilled it everywhere, he said, "oh.....I get it.....can't fill it up that far....." That's better. Youth and ignorance are curable.

A lazy and spiteful spouse is not. :x

I know what you're going to say. I could buy one of those Brita filters that hooks into the tap. Right. Hook it into the sink that's always overflowing with dirty dishes, and when I yell at the culprit who's turn it is to wash them, they race through washing them so fast that dishes sometimes get broken. That Brita tap filter wouldn't last a week before getting busted off.

The last thing I want to have to do is call a Rhode Island plummah......
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Uh-oh. Dat's not goot. Dey don't make deez pahts anymore, but don't worry, I know a guy......
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Anaxagoras » Wed Feb 07, 2018 7:32 am

The only solution is passive aggression

let them drown in their own garbage!! :twisted:
A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Doctor X » Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:01 pm

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Nyarlathotep » Wed Feb 07, 2018 6:10 pm

True. I don't HAVE to be an asshole. I just like being one.
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Grammatron » Wed Feb 07, 2018 7:48 pm

You don't have to be an asshole, but it helps.

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Boss Paul » Thu Feb 08, 2018 8:08 am

Back-sassin'?!
Get the wax outta your ears!

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Fri Feb 09, 2018 4:36 am

I've punished my kids for "back-sassin" several times thanks to you, boss. Thanks for teaching me how to get their minds right. :)
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by asthmatic camel » Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:16 am

Bruce, you have exactly the same iron that Mrs. Camel never uses but leaves around to make it look as though she might. One day. If the mood takes her. Or if my mother's coming to visit, (or anyone else, come to think about it.)

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We'll have been married for twenty years this year and I have spent much of this time quietly discarding much of the refuse that she collects on a daily basis, on top of the tons she brought with her when she moved in.

She's a crap goddess. Crap worships her and in return she coddles it, comforts it, brings it home and gives it dust-bunnies to eat, wear and play with.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by asthmatic camel » Sat Feb 10, 2018 1:31 pm

All that said, I'm not so bad at collecting crap myself. This should really be in the buying crap from amazon & ebay thread but I'll make allowances, because you're Dr. Bruce PhD, and therefore awesome.

Look! Look! A two inch cube that's a radio and an MP3 player, with flashing multicoloured leds. How could anyone resist? And there's my reading glasses, which I never wear, and a Fender Blues DeLuxe harmonica in the key of C, which is almost, but not quite, impossible to play, and one of my hundreds of asthma inhalers, and my mobile phone, which I never use, and a Nurvo Android TV stick, which I just had to have, but haven't yet plugged into the TV, (two years later), and my spare mobile phone, in case the other one that I never use breaks, and that's on top of a chest which contains enough PC parts to build a new one, in case the two I already have break down, and one of my 20 ecigarettes.... And don't even get me started on my bicycle and air gun collection. :)

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Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Sat Feb 10, 2018 1:45 pm

asthmatic camel wrote: We'll have been married for twenty years this year and I have spent much of this time quietly discarding much of the refuse that she collects on a daily basis, on top of the tons she brought with her when she moved in.
Wow. Same here. Plus, on her insistence, I bought her a sewing machine 15 years ago. It's older than my daughter. It's only be used once......by ME, because after owning it for 10 years, I wanted to see if it actually worked. Used it to repair a comforter that we've had for 20 years, and still use. The sewing machine now resides in my daughters room, on the floor, in the corner, as if we use it all the time.

Do stub your toes at least once a day on shit that she leaves on the floor all over the house?

Is your freezer perpetually crammed with food that she never cooks? Does she freak the fuck out when she catches you throwing away blocks of ice from the freezer that have ancient meat in the center of them and say, "Hey! You can't throw that away! I was going to cook that!"

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You were going to cook this? Do you even know what this is or how long it's been there? Really?

My son is having a friend over in 20 minutes. Honestly, I want to hide in shame. Of course, Mrs. Bruce bailed on us. She had to go to the market to buy more shit. She doesn't have to see the look of horror on an 11 year old boy's face as he discovers how certain other people live outside of his little universe. Maybe he'll be a little more appreciative of his own mother when he gets home.

That's not actually my house, by the way. It's a image I found online, but it's a good representation. I'm too embarassed to post pictures of my own house.
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by asthmatic camel » Sat Feb 10, 2018 1:59 pm

Do stub your toes at least once a day on shit that she leaves on the floor all over the house?

Is your freezer perpetually crammed with food that she never cooks? Does she freak the fuck out when she catches you throwing away blocks of ice from the freezer that have ancient meat in the center of them and say, "Hey! You can't throw that away! I was going to cook that!"
Fuck yeah! Despite having been told on a daily basis for twenty years to please not leave her shoes lying around on the floor where I'll be certain to fall over them, her shoes, (she has a collection to rival that of Imelda Marcos), are left with gay abandon in every single place that I'm likely to walk, ever. .

The freezer? "You can't throw that away! Kath gave it to me!" Kath died three months ago...

*SIGH*
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:22 pm

asthmatic camel wrote:This should really be in the buying crap from amazon & ebay thread but I'll make allowances, because you're Dr. Bruce PhD, and therefore awesome.
Heh. No need to stroke my ego. I don't have one.

You wouldn't even know I was a PhD if you met me at a gas station, unless you heard me start talking about chemistry and physics. I don't look or behave like the PhDs you see on TV or in colleges, and I'm fine with that.

I read an article about Albert Einstein a while back that was written by his grand-daughter. In the article, she described his character. His family had to force him to dress nicely before leaving the house to go to interviews, lectures, and so forth, because he preferred to dress like a total slob. He wore an old rope instead of a belt, moth-eaten sweaters, and preferred to wear women's shoes. It's not that he was cheap. He just felt that his personal comfort was more important than your opinion of his appearance.

I really respect that. I hope to attain that level of confidence before I die. I've come a lot closer to reaching that goal over the past 5 years. I no longer get all gussied up with shirt and tie at work, even during client visits and corporate events. Fuck them. I can't stand wearing dress clothing. I feel fake when I wear it, like I'm pretending to be something I'm not, just to impress people that don't deserve to be impressed.

I despise people that believe the clothing makes the man, and in turn, look down on people like me who dress comfortably in cotton shirt, jeans, and New Balance shoes. People who think this way are hollow and petty. I've put a number of them in their place, and it's so satisfying. I've even managed to convert a few. Hey, we're here to do science and make drugs safer for the public, not to play dress-up and look pretty for overpaid middle-management shills that can't do shit except for make our jobs harder by loading us down with ridiculous middle-management bullshit. Fuck them. You have the right to feel comfortable when doing your job.

Wow. I'm in a ranting mood today. I don't usually have the energy to rant this long anymore. Thanks for the injection of motivation, AC. :D
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:35 pm

asthmatic camel wrote:
Do stub your toes at least once a day on shit that she leaves on the floor all over the house?

Is your freezer perpetually crammed with food that she never cooks? Does she freak the fuck out when she catches you throwing away blocks of ice from the freezer that have ancient meat in the center of them and say, "Hey! You can't throw that away! I was going to cook that!"
Fuck yeah! Despite having been told on a daily basis for twenty years to please not leave her shoes lying around on the floor where I'll be certain to fall over them, her shoes, (she has a collection to rival that of Imelda Marcos), are left with gay abandon in every single place that I'm likely to walk, ever. .

The freezer? "You can't throw that away! Kath gave it to me!" Kath died three months ago...

*SIGH*
When it was just her and me, I used to be able to keep up with cleaning up after Mrs. Bruce, but we had two kids that took after her in the cleanliness department. Now I'm overrun, tired, and have nearly given up completely.

They have absolutely no problem with living on top of a mountain of their own garbage. I sometimes gather up their crap from the living room and dump it on their beds so they will have to deal with it. They either just shove it on the floor or sleep on top of it. I once refused to clean the toilets, saying someone else can take over doing that. The slime built up so thick that it would periodically peal off in layers and clog the toilet. My son came home from the last day of school one day, threw his school bag in the corner and left it there. He forgot that he left and un-eaten sandwich in the bag. We didn't discover it until two months layer when there was a mysterious infestation of fruit flies in the house. We traced the fruit flies back to his school bag.

The horror. :cry:

I'm astonished that the Home for Bruce thread is still going after all these years, but I sure do like it. It's a nice escape, imagining living on and island somewhere, in a clean house. I know that the reality would be way different, but fuck you, don't shit on my fantasy. :P
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by asthmatic camel » Sat Feb 10, 2018 3:23 pm

Mrs. Camel likes bags. Every kind of bag. Refuse sacks, handbags, purses, rucksacks... she just loves them. And she loves filling them with her beloved crap. And leaving them anywhere and everywhere she can find.

Her car failed to start one day, so I had to call the repair guy out. Of course, I'd failed to check condition of said car. Every spare inch of it was packed with bin bags full of crap, and then the repair guy opened the boot, (trunk). The stench almost knocked me out, and I was stood a safe six feet away.

When I first met her, she was singing in a band who played at the pub I used to run. Love at first sight. She invited me round to her apartment a few days later and I was impressed by how clean and tidy it was. Until I tried to enter the kitchen. "You're not allowed in there!" I was told. Fascinated, like a young maiden entering Bluebeard's forbidden room, I forced entry. Ye Gods and Flying Spaghetti Monsters! It was packed to the rafters with bags full of crap. She broke into showers of tears, which, being a gentleman, I politely and delicately wiped away, and proceeded to empty the kitchen and take all the said crap to the dump. Three journey's worth.

I thought the problem was solved and all would be happy ever after until I opened her wardrobes. And the drawers under her bed....

I think it's a genetic condition. When her mother died, it took me and her two brothers a day and two skips to clear her house of carefully hoarded crap. We couldn't even open one of the bedroom doors because it was full of rolls of cloth which had tumbled to the floor and blocked access.

Does Mrs. Bruce stuff unwanted crap down the sides of the sofa? You know, the nooks and corners where you think you might find some small coins when cash is a little scarce? I tried looking for a few lost pound coins once, with foreseeable and unpleasant results. No pound coins but a small mountain of compacted crap.

I could go on but I'm sure I've painted a sufficient picture by now.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Sat Feb 10, 2018 3:41 pm

At least she recognizes and admits that she has as problem.

Mrs Bruce flatly denies it. She's convinced that everything she hoards is for a reason and that she really will use the crap someday. Completely convinced. She's not the one with the problem. No, I'm the one with the problem. When I gather up and sort her shit every month and throw away things that are clearly rotten, expired, or completely useless, then I'm the one with the problem. I'm a clean freak, you know. I throw away things on impulse. In fact, Mrs. Bruce is always accusing me of throwing away things that she loses. If she can't find her passport, it's because I threw it away. When I find it sandwiched between months worth of junkmail, do I get an apology? NoooooOOOooooo.

I didn't make that up, by the way. That actually happened.

And it is some sort of genetic disorder. My daughter inherited it. I started noticing it when she was around 8. I noticed stuff starting to gather under her bed. I later learned that whenever she has a fun time, she likes to take away mementos from the occasion. It can be typical things like a rock, a ticket stub, or a picture. That's normal, but it can also be abnormal things, like uneaten food, or chewed gum, or a ketchup pack.

When I learn about it, I started paying more attention.

So one day, we were eating at a restaurant and we are all in a good mood, laughing an joking. This is very rare. Usually, at least one member of the family is in a bad mood and doesn't want to be out in public. When we were getting ready to leave, I saw my daughter slip a used napkin from the table into her pocket. I called her out and she denied it, so I made her empty her pockets. She had stuffed used napkins, straw wrappers, and other bits of garbage that would otherwise go in the trash (so it wasn't stealing, but she HAD to take something with her to keep). After making her leave everything on the table, she swiped something again when I turned my had. I have good peripheral vision.

It's so strange. Both my daughter and wife are very normal, intelligent, and sensible people other than that. They are both very comfortable with their habit. It's me who suffers from it. :weirdeyes:
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by WildCat » Sat Feb 10, 2018 4:00 pm

If there's one bite of dinner left over my girlfriend won't just either eat it or throw it out, she'll stick it in a Tupperware container and put it in the refrigerator. And she won't ever eat it. Then months later I finally can't stand it any more and just throw the entire thing out, container and all because I'm afraid of what it will smell like if I open it.
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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by asthmatic camel » Sat Feb 10, 2018 4:28 pm

I keep on top of that, WildCat. Mrs. Camel is prone to buying "superfoods", or whatever she deems to be healthy at any given moment. Every couple of days, I empty the refrigerator and turn all the "superfoods", which she'd never eat otherwise into "virtually fat free, gluten free, no added colourings or preservatives or hydrogenated fat, organic, kick-ass curry."

Always gratefully received. :)
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: You don't have to be an ASSHOLE

Post by Bruce » Sat Feb 10, 2018 4:32 pm

You did the right thing, WildCat. :)

I'm the only one in the house that checks expiration dates on food and drug containers. A few months ago, I came down with a cold and realized I hadn't been sick in over 6 years. This was confirmed when I went through the medicine cabinet looking for drugs that weren't expired. They were ALL expired, and the expiration dates ranged from 2016 all the way back to 2011.

After getting better, I realized that it had been 6 years since looking through our food supply for expired items. Whoa. Yeah. Had to throw out several containers of expired things. Almost needed a crowbar to excavate the freezer. Found a container of hot sauce in the cabinet that was supposed to be red, but it had a weird green tinge to it. It had not been opened yet, and the expiration date was still a few month away, but there was no way I was opening that bottle.

I have to do these things when my wife and daughter are out of the house. I feel like an FBI agent doing a sting operation with my son on point.
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