Fuck all

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Bruce
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Fuck all

Post by Bruce » Sat Nov 17, 2018 11:54 am

As a bona fide skeptic, cynic, and pessimist, I really REALLY hate being right. :x

The thing that concerned me the most about the new house I moved into this summer was the driveway that sloped uphill away from the house. It doesn't look all that steep; between a 5% and 10% grade, but my car does not handle even mild grades like this in ice and snow at slow speeds, and the driveway exits the side of the house so there isn't enough room to build up speed.

Fuck me. I was right.

It wasn't even ice, just wet slushy snow. I didn't even get two feet before my tires just spun and I slid backwards. Fuck. Trapped at home. New policy at work too. Can't work at home because not everyone has a laptop (which by the way, how the fuck does that make sense? What's next? We can't pay you a PhD salary because not everyone has a PhD? Fuck you! Anyway,) so I had to take a PTO day, which means my short week next week is going to be extra crammed.

I bought a snow blower a week ago, but had not yet put it together, or bought fuel, or bought salt. It wasn't supposed to snow this week, then they said maybe some flurries friday, then 1-3 inches, then it became 3-6 inches. We got 8 inches yesterday. So when I finally escaped from my own home 4 hours later, I went straight to the hardware store and stood in a long line with other grouchy old men. We all had the same grim stare, products in hand (fuck shopping carts), no talking, eyes forward, no I don't have an Ace Hardware card, no I don't want one, no I don't have an Ace Hardware card, no I don't want one, no I don't have an Ace Hardware card, no I don't want one, look, can we just buy the products and leave please. Yes, I know that you are required to ask, but I don't have time to write a stern letter to Mr. Ace, so could you send the feedback up your chain of command? Your primary customers are grouchy old men with wallets stuffed with cards and key chains stuffed with keys, and we'll be fucked if we are going to add one more piece of loyalty plastic to our collection, so tell your underpaid lackeys to stop selling it to us. We don't want it, they know we don't want it, just stop.

Took me half a day to get the snow blower assembled. Open letter to manufacturers everywhere, please replace the phrase "some assembly required" to "assembly is a much bigger pain in the ass than you would ever imagine. You will need to purchase special tools, the pictures on the instructions don't match the product, we don't list your model number anywhere (fuck you), you will pull muscles trying to reach the nuts/bolts/screws, and you'll have to undo at least two of them because you missed that step where you were supposed to slide the thing in the other thing first, fuck you, you already paid us, have fun trying to reach one of our incompetent service "engineers" on our help line, which by the way, you have to register our product first so we can load your inbox with promotional shit forever and ever, Mwahahahaha!"

This fucking thing.

It's even more of a pain in the ass than the lawn mower.

Anyway, I blew my driveway. Gave it a nice, long blow, but it didn't even give me money for a cab. Asshole driveway.

I feel better now.

Try not to ruin it.

Bruce
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Anaxagoras
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Anaxagoras » Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:19 pm

Great excuse to get a new car Bruce!

Something 4WD
A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
William Shakespeare

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Rob Lister
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Rob Lister » Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:24 pm

Image

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ed
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Re: Fuck all

Post by ed » Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:26 pm

Went out and took this picture to make you feel better...

Image
Spoiler:
Remember where you are the next time you look for sympathy, fag.
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ed
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Re: Fuck all

Post by ed » Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:30 pm

Anaxagoras wrote:
Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:19 pm
Great excuse to get a new car Bruce!

Something 4WD
Funny you say that. First snowfall after we moved into the country in CT I found that there was a hill in front of my street. Could not get up it.

Went out and bought a Tercel, cheapest 4WD we could find.

You don't have a 4WD AND you live in the country AND you are in New England?
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Bruce
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Bruce » Sat Nov 17, 2018 2:10 pm

So I flipped on Netflix. Maybe some binge watching will make me feel better. Saw an advert for another Netflix original. Had some scary old hag in it. The old hag looks familiar.....

Image

Wait........









No.................








no fucking way......






......
Image

Went to wiki. Catherine Zeta-Jones is now 48. She's only 5 years older than me. FUCK! :cry:

By the way, I didn't come here for sympathy. I know you guys are cynical assholes like me. You didn't disappoint. Thanks for the roast. I deserve it. :P :)
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Anaxagoras
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Anaxagoras » Sat Nov 17, 2018 3:09 pm

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
William Shakespeare

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sparks
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Re: Fuck all

Post by sparks » Sat Nov 17, 2018 6:07 pm

No roast here Bruce. As always, that was a brilliant piece of writing. Thanks.
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Witness
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Witness » Sun Nov 18, 2018 1:52 am

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Anaxagoras
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Anaxagoras » Mon Nov 19, 2018 11:50 am

Bruce is probably the one responsible for making that one.
A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
William Shakespeare

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Bruce
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Bruce » Tue Nov 20, 2018 7:16 am

Anaxagoras wrote:
Mon Nov 19, 2018 11:50 am
Bruce is probably the one responsible for making that one.
Never made it through clinical trials. We couldn't get anyone to complete the survey. In fact, after taking the drug, they all disappeared. Most of them were last seen purchasing a one way ticket to a tropical island.
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sparks
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Re: Fuck all

Post by sparks » Tue Nov 20, 2018 7:32 am

It could be said that with the help of Fukitol, they got their minds right.
You can lead them to knowledge, but you can't make them think.

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Bruce
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Bruce » Tue Nov 20, 2018 7:45 am

sparks wrote:
Tue Nov 20, 2018 7:32 am
It could be said that with the help of Fukitol, they got their minds right.
That's what we said, but did the FDA bust out their big APPROVED stamp? NoooOOOoooo.

Stuffy old sticks in the mud, the FDA. They're just jealous because their stuck in a dead end job on a government salary instead of swimming in oodles of cash like us. They need Fuckitol more than anyone.
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asthmatic camel
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Re: Fuck all

Post by asthmatic camel » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:27 pm

Bruce, I sympathise.

Back in the day, my father buggered off to marry his secretary, much to the dismay of my brother, me and my mother.

Being a fucking idiot, he bought a house near the top of Saddleworth Moor, the infamous burial site of Moors Murder criminals Ian Brady and Myra Hindley.

Well, fair enough but, it was well above the snowline here and the estate was built so that you had to climb the hill, in the ice and snow, to get down into Manchester again. Even a Land Rover Defender wouldn't do the job.

The result? My younger brother and I had a whole heap of fun sledging, and my evil step-mother yelled at us furiously when snowballs filled with rocks hit her in the face.

And that was in the Winter.

Come Summertime, the peat moor mysteriously set itself on fire. I have no idea why.

Image
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: Fuck all

Post by ed » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:41 pm

You call that a wildfire?
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asthmatic camel
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Re: Fuck all

Post by asthmatic camel » Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:46 pm

You see the smoke? It put me in hospital for two days with a severe asthma attack. Not amusing.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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asthmatic camel
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Re: Fuck all

Post by asthmatic camel » Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:04 pm

Image
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Bruce
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Re: Fuck all

Post by Bruce » Wed Nov 21, 2018 12:10 am

asthmatic camel wrote:
Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:27 pm
Bruce, I sympathise.

Back in the day, my father buggered off to marry his secretary, much to the dismay of my brother, me and my mother.

Being a fucking idiot, he bought a house near the top of Saddleworth Moor, the infamous burial site of Moors Murder criminals Ian Brady and Myra Hindley.

Well, fair enough but, it was well above the snowline here and the estate was built so that you had to climb the hill, in the ice and snow, to get down into Manchester again. Even a Land Rover Defender wouldn't do the job.

The result? My younger brother and I had a whole heap of fun sledging, and my evil step-mother yelled at us furiously when snowballs filled with rocks hit her in the face.

And that was in the Winter.

Come Summertime, the peat moor mysteriously set itself on fire. I have no idea why.

Image
Thanks for sharing your origin story, AC. I've never been to the UK. Have you ever been asked to write a travel brochure? Inescapable self-igniting peat bogs sounds like a hoot. Who's that in the picture?
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asthmatic camel
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Re: Fuck all

Post by asthmatic camel » Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:09 am

Not guilty! I was in hospital with a severe asthma attack due to the horrible smoke...

Image
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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robinson
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Re: Fuck all

Post by robinson » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:35 am

Alcohol is the true Fuckital drug
You never know what's going to happen