The Butler Didn't Do it? 'Twas Big Daddy

[Doctor X]

Background: For those few of you who do not follow football and who have been trapped in Lister's Basement for the last six month the last Super Bowl came down to this: The Patriots take the lead 28-24 with just over 2 minutes left. The Seahawks manage to waste two of their time-outs in an effort that includes a miraculous catch at the Patriots' 5 yard line which just about everyone thought was incomplete. Malcolm "Dave Roberts" Butler--remember that name--previously made some game-saving defensive plays and nearly broke this one up. He is the only one who has the presence of mind to push Soon-to-be-Known as Jermaine Curse out of bounds:

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Look at the time. Seattle on the 5 yard line with Beast Mode the Greatest--Just Ask Him--Running Back in Cthulhudom. So, of course, not being retarded they give him the ball:



This is how close he is:



See the clock. One minute. Time ticking away, His Billness Dark Lord of the Hoodie does not call a time out, Seahawks do not want to waste their last one so they decide to do what has now become known as The Call:

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Malcolm Butler makes what is now called the greatest defensive play in NFL--let alone Super Bowl--history:



not an easy play. Since that time, debates have raged on not just how stupid the call was, but eventually how perfect Butler had to be to intercept the ball. If he "bats it down" or if he drops it, time is stopped, Seahawks come to their senses, and they probably run the ball in . . . game over.

Wilson's Epiphany: The Seattle Quarter Back--the one who throws the ball for those of you have have not solved Lister's Second Puzzle and are still stuck in The Leech Pit--famously ran to the side line and asked his coach "What happened?!" to which Pete "Steroids? What? I'M SO PUMPED UP!!!" Carroll responded, "he undercut the route." This has been revealed in various "miked up" versions of the game where you can hear what players and coaches are screaming at one another.

Why should you care? Because, apparently, at that time, Wilson did not trust the word of the Almighty who had JUST spoken to him!.

While reporters scrambled to figure who "21" was--getting his name and picture wrong!--and vendors started cranking out "The Butler Did It!" t-shirts:

of which there are Legion, a Voice came to Wilson:

“The play happens, and they pick the ball off. And I take three steps,” Wilson said. “And on the third step God says to me, ‘I’m using you. . . . I want to see how you respond. But most importantly I want them to see how you respond.”

ProFootBallTalk

the link gives the entire nauseating interview. Again, apparently Wilson was not initially satisfied since he asked his coach "what happened?"

Ascension to the Soap Box: Let us leave aside My Humble--Yet MagNIfIcent--Fanboydom for a moment. What consistently pisses me off about these religious players is the conceited belief that the Universe Itself gives a solitary fuck about them more than a child suffering from cancer or being raped and murdered..

"Fuck that kid! I need to get that home run, make that catch, THIS IS IMPORTANT."

None of these idiots ever think about the implications of their narcissism.

However, it gets worse. The Voice [Tm.--Ed.] has spoken to him again and proclaimed he needs to stop having sex with his girlfriend:



So let us Review the Catechism:

• 1. Deity denies him a second Super Bowl. The first back-to-back win since, well, Dark Hoodie did it ten years previously.
  
  2. Deity ignores the screams and pleas of children being raped and murdered.
  
  3. Deity demands he stops having sex with Ciara.

Maybe he needs to consider a different god:



--J.D.