If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

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If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby gnome » Wed Nov 08, 2017 9:11 pm

Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship of the Ring (Consisting of Frodo, Gandalf, Thorin, Legolas, and Aragorn) go on a quest to destroy the Ring of Power and reclaim Thorin's dwarven kingdom. Harried by orcs, they stop at Rivendell to heal and resupply and receive plot relevant information, then rush to Minas Tirith upon hearing it is under siege by Uruk-hai. In an extended battle sequence they are victorious, and Aragorn is crowned king. Then they move on to Mount Doom to confront Sauron the dragon, and scout out a secret entrance. Frodo disturbs Sauron and he attacks Minas Tirith again, leaving it almost destroyed until Legolas kills him with a black arrow. Then they go back to the mountain, fight amongst themselves over throwing the ring in, and Thorin grabs it but falls into the lava. His cousin Dain rules over the newly restored mountain kingdom.
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
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Re: If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby Grammatron » Wed Nov 08, 2017 10:19 pm

It would be much worse than that.
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Re: If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby asthmatic camel » Thu Nov 09, 2017 5:03 pm

Gandalf sticks Frodo on Gwaihir the Windlord, they fly to Mordor in record time and chuck the ring into Mount Doom.

Job done.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby Grammatron » Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:16 pm

Then Sauren just tells Gwaihir to stop breathing and it works for reasons that are never explained.
pillory wrote:jokes aren't funny....seriously thinking......

seriously thinking might be funny....but it's not joke

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Re: If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby asthmatic camel » Thu Nov 09, 2017 8:12 pm

Unbeknown to Sauron, the crown gifted to Gwaihir contains the Ring of Thror, father of Thrain, father of Thorin. Thror gave a fake ring to Thrain, knowing that he was a loony, and it was this ring, last remaining of the Seven gifted to the Dwarves not held by Sauron, which was taken from Thrain with great torment in the dungeons of Dol Guldur.

Gwaihir is thus aware of Sauron's plans, flies over to Barad Dur, pecks out the all-seeing EYE and has a pleasant in-flight lunch.
Shit happens. The older you get, the more often shit happens. So you have to try not to give a shit even when you do. Because, if you give too many shits, you've created your own shit creek and there's no way out other than swimming through the shit. Oh, and fuck.

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Re: If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby Doctor X » Fri Nov 10, 2017 1:38 am

Needs more cocaine fueled insanity.

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Re: If Tolkien were filmed like the Dark Tower story

Postby gnome » Fri Nov 10, 2017 1:33 pm

That was the novels. Since the movie cut down the novels to about 10% of the plot, by definition it has 90% less cocaine-fueled insanity :P
"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor. Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one. And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a zoo! (Beat) Unless it's a farm!"
--Soldier, TF2


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