Ancient Warfare Expert Says Your Film Sucks

[Doctor X]

I particularly like his "How to Defeat an Army of Ice Zombies."

– J. "Dig a Pit!" D.

[robinson]

I’m no expert, but it’s pretty fucking obvious most movies are made up and often stupid

[Giz]

Next up, royal marine commando says that “Commando” not an accurate depiction of modern combat

[robinson]

I don’t care that game was awesome

[robinson]

Most unrealistic part of shoot em up games


Lots and lots of ammo


No need to carry it either

[Giz]

Or lord of the rings movie. Aragorn, legolas, gimlet, boromir, Frodo... no one carried water or provisions. Dark lord probably just expected them to starve. I’ve seen better prepared suburbanites on a 1-mile hike.

[robinson]

Nobody ever poops

[robinson]

Or even has to pee

[Doctor X]

I liked that he did not pick the obvious like, "why is everyone but you wearing a helmet?"

– J.D.

[Hotarubi]

Or lord of the rings movie. Aragorn, legolas, gimlet, boromir, Frodo... no one carried water or provisions. Dark lord probably just expected them to starve. I’ve seen better prepared suburbanites on a 1-mile hike.

Lembas.

Hth.

[Hotarubi]

I particularly like his "How to Defeat an Army of Ice Zombies."

– J. "Dig a Pit!" D.

Braveheart isn't accurate? Geddouddahere!

[robinson]

I liked that he did not pick the obvious like, "why is everyone but you wearing a helmet?"

– J.D.

That would be like pointing out space helmets with a light inside the helmet(so you can see the actors face), which would make it impossible to see our of the helmet

[Doctor X]

I particularly like how Mel runs with a claidheamh-mòr, then an axe, then a claidheamh-mòr as a truck follows them in a distance.

Still, the majestic views of Stirling Bridge made up for such lapses.

– J.D.

[Hotarubi]

Still, the majestic views of Stirling Bridge made up for such lapses.

– J.D.

Divisional games are important, yes, but no one wants to lose the Superbowl.

[gnome]

I wish they'd gotten some ancient warfare experts in on GoT Season 8's Battle of Winterfell. I figure they could have gotten lots of good advice relatively cheap.

[ed]

I wish they'd gotten some ancient warfare experts in on GoT Season 8's Battle of Winterfell. I figure they could have gotten lots of good advice relatively cheap.

Or some lighting technicians.

[robinson]

Accurate depictions of war do not entertain


They horrify

[gnome]

There's a scale. They don't need to show the horrifying reality of war to remember you put your catapults BEHIND your infantry.

[Doctor X]

Divisional games are important, yes, but no one wants to lose the Superbowl.

Rather than win some prefer to pass.

There's a scale. They don't need to show the horrifying reality of war to remember you put your catapults BEHIND your infantry.

And not charge an array of pikes.

– J.D.

[Giz]

Divisional games are important, yes, but no one wants to lose the Superbowl.

Rather than win some prefer to pass.

There's a scale. They don't need to show the horrifying reality of war to remember you put your catapults BEHIND your infantry.

And not charge an array of pikes.

– J.D.

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It’s ok, if it’s down a mountain

[gnome]

Divisional games are important, yes, but no one wants to lose the Superbowl.

Rather than win some prefer to pass.

There's a scale. They don't need to show the horrifying reality of war to remember you put your catapults BEHIND your infantry.

And not charge an array of pikes.

– J.D.

Exactly. The writing room for that episode should have had a gaggle of war history enthusiasts and the sort of people that plan zombie defenses. The fans would have eaten it up.

Some things they did all right--even though it was a misuse of light cavalry, I really liked the scene where

Spoiler:

The flaming-sword Dothraki charged the unseen enemy in the darkness and all you could see were the flames going out

... it was visually effective and conveyed exactly the desired mood.

[Doctor X]

Yeah, that was one of the few effective scenes. Reminded me of "Not Billy Bear" getting killed in the Japanese Original Predator: he makes a big show of facing said Predator, and you soon after only hear his scream. Later, you just see the Predator dump his carcass on a branch so he can pull out his spine and skull.

So much for machismo.

As a Wee Spud, I visited a history museum. In the military section there were numbers of dioramas. I listened to an older British man pick apart one for his grandson. It was the "group of soldiers with pikes and stuff," with a cavalry of knights charging in to them. He explained that horses would not do that, and their riders would not as well. "There is canon there, they would soften them up with that first!"

Even as a Wee Spud I agreed that that made sense, and it remained whenever I would see a film where a group would try to "smash" into another army.

The sad irony of Braveheart, which is still an AWESOME film that proves the English killed Jesus, is the pike technique was not used at Sterling. There was this bridge the English tried to cross. Why it is the "Battle of Sterling Bridge."

Oddly enough, one of the better portrayals of this is Kagemusha. It depicts one of the more famous battles where one side decided, "hey, like, let's put all of our guys with these things we bought from the Round Eyed Devils Dutch in protected groups and, like, shoot the fuck out of those guys charging at us," and the other side decided, "let's charge them!" The carnage made Civil War debacles seem tame. You only see the charge, hear the guns, and see the bodies. In other words, it is not worth filming the slaughter. That battle is briefly touched upon by the Netflix series I am embarrassed to admit I only know about because of Anaxのワイフ お姉様.

Or consider that Maj. Gen. Ambrose "Snatched Defeat from the Jaws of Victory" Burnside performed such a stupidity repeatedly at Fredericksburg. Watching, Lee noted, “It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it.”

Later that year, Lee did the same thing at Gettysburg. The defending Union soldiers taunted him by chanting "Fredericksburg."

Should we blame Hollywood for bringing to the screen the fantasies we have?

In the pit.

– J. "Dig a Pit!" D.

[gnome]

I did wonder where the hell this bridge was they kept talking about. And why large pointed sticks were a surprise to anyone.

[robinson]

The Scott’s used shields and long pikes to form hedgehogs, which the Calvary could not attack. That part is true.

[robinson]

With out archers or Calvary, the English had to fight man to man, which just sucked

[Giz]

Yeah, the best leaders make sure they have Calvary.

You could say it is the hill they choose to die on.

[robinson]

Mounted archers were the most deadly ancient war method


Just ask Ghengis

[ed]

One word: Machine Guns.

Checkmate.

[robinson]

Viet Cong

[gnome]

The Scott’s used shields and long pikes to form hedgehogs, which the Calvary could not attack. That part is true.

I believe that--what was weird was the film presenting it as a novelty that Wallace practically invented.

[robinson]

People watch movies to be entertained

Not educated

[gnome]

If the writers wanted to make fiction, they could just have done so.

Besides, it entertains me to review how close they got to real history. That's separate from the fact that I did indeed enjoy the movie anyway despite its flaws.

[robinson]

Wallace is credited with the first use of Circular schiltrons, which is the name for what I described above.

[Doctor X]

Basically, a guy named Wallace, who may not actually be a "Wallace" and related to the William Wallace, wrote a fantasy novel that St. Mel of Gibson adapted. The book is hopelessly unhistorical, which the author blurbered claims of how he captured the spirit of history and all the usual bullshit theologians use to try to make into history whatever fantasy they have.

William Wallace's father survived him.

As did Longshanks.

Still, it is an awesome film.

Even if no one wore those kilts, and The Prisoner probably did not toss his son's lover out of a window.

In the rain.

– J.D.

P.S. The failure to incorporate the bride in the Battle of Sterling Bridge makes as much sense as:

• 1. Having the battleships in the Battle of Midway firing upon one another.
  2. Having Gettysburg without Pickett's Charge.
  3. Having Agincourt without long bows.
  4. Having D-Day with gundam wandering upon the beaches with some little shit named Shinji, with severe Your Mom Issues refusing to take part.
  5. Wibble.

P.P.S. FREEEEEEDOOOOM!!!11!KHANNNNNNN!

[robinson]

Let’s do Star Wars next

[robinson]

The historic Wallace is credited with coming up with long lances and a circular shield wall formation to neutralize the Calvary

The English were surprised and suffered terrible losses because of it

[robinson]

But not a second time

[gnome]

The historic Wallace is credited with coming up with long lances and a circular shield wall formation to neutralize the Calvary

The English were surprised and suffered terrible losses because of it

That I would have enjoyed seeing in the movie.

[gnome]

Let’s do Star Wars next

Don't even get me started--claims to be a story from a long time ago, ZERO historical accuracy. None of that happened.

[Doctor X]

It went to Hell when Kurosawa died.



He screws up one, unfortunately. Lucas stole Mifune's ride after two enemy samurai down a path lined by trees by having the Fag Han Solo chase storm troopers down a corridor in the Death Star. Mifune ends up in the camp which is where the spear duel happens. The Fag Han Solo just runs away.

Misa Uehara was a far better princess.

In the rain.

– J.D.