The pinnacle of middle-class luxury

[Bruce]

Multi-Surface Pet Hair Roller - Long Handle

https://zeloclean.com/products/pc/catal ... roller.jpg

At the end of 2021, I finally managed to escape from the inevitable catastrophic collapse of my former employer, by latching onto another international corporate conglomerate. This one has better healthcare and is only a 20 minute commute (compared to my former 50 minute commute, woo-hoo). My new employer has managed to weather the global economic crisis by tapping into niche markets and remaining diversified. For the first time, they have produced a commercial product, the one which I have linked and depicted.

For those here who know me, I'll answer some questions you're no doubt already asking.

Yes, I'm still alive.
Yes, I still work as an analytical scientist in the pharma industry.
No, my account hasn't been hacked.
Yes, I'm doing fine. I'm in relatively good health, my kids are now 18 and 15, and Mrs. Bruce is still very much Mrs. Bruce. Thanks for asking.

I'm about 1.5 months into my new job. So far, so good. I like my new boss, and no major red flags. I'm quite certain that ending my 10 year tenure with my former employer has saved me from a nervous breakdown and/or medical/emotional exhaustion. I was surprised to learn during orientation, just how many folks were in exactly the same situation as mine, escaping from their former failing employers just before being pinned as a scapegoat for their respective departments. It was mind-blowing really, the similarities.

At the end of the day, on Friday, we were all sent home with a free ZeLo Clean, long-handled, pet hair cleaners, with floor-stand accessories. I put it together immediately when I got home and started using it. Of course, my wife and kids started poking fun, leading me to launch into an immediate indignant diatribe......

Now wait just a minute! Don't go running off to your respective hidey-holes. This, right here. THIS, is the pinnacle of middle-class luxury!!

Right now, there are families in the Ukraine, teaching their single-digit children how to fire AK-47s to defend themselves against an imminent Russian invasion.
Right now, there are families in Hong Kong, hiding in the trashed out remains of former sky scrapers, wondering when the Chinese government will snatch them away in the night to work in secret manufacturing prison camps.
Right now, there are citizens in Saudi Arabia, continuing to have their rights taken away, bit-by-bit, in the name of dogmatic theocracy.

But not us! Not today! Right now, we have the privilege of wielding a ZeLo. A FREE Zelo. Gaze now upon it's magnificence!

While other families are fighting for their very survival, we get to tidy up our household with a lint-roller on a stick. NO, don't walk away! Get back here! Hold it. Feel the middle-class privilege. It's not going to get any better than this, I assure you. In less than a decade, you are going to be sharing a cramped, shitty apartment with strangers, just to be able to afford rent and food. You'll be lying awake at night, wondering where it all went wrong. You'll remember this moment, when your father wiped away the last traces of your hopes and dreams of a better life, and reminded you of what's really important.

You'll say, now I get it, father. Now I understand what you were trying to say. It wasn't about the convenience of pet hair removal, or self-respect, or class warfare. It was about appreciating the fleeting traces of a dying culture of decadence and self-indulgence in which we were born into and raised. What I wouldn't give to hold a Zelo in my hands once more. Now I understand why you insisted on eating yourself to death. It wasn't out of despair, or spite against humanity. It was in defense of the principals of irony and cynicism. It was so nice of mother to arrange and pay for the forklift to haul your remains to the incinerator, just as you specified in your last will and testament. Just as you warned, the environmentalist fought against it, saying that 1000 lbs of human flesh would increase the county's carbon footprint by 0.1%, but we made sure your final wishes were kept. May you rest in peace, father. We made sure you would have no grave for our mother to dance upon.

Of course, by this time, I was speaking to an empty living room........an empty living room free of lint and pet hair. :twisted: :roll:

[ed]

You're white, aren't you?

[Bruce]

I am white, but my wife is Asian, which of course means I'm

Spoiler:

better than Florida white trash completely doomed.

[Pyrrho]

Hmph. WE are getting hoodies.

[robinson]

Now wait just a minute! Don't go running off to your respective hidey-holes. This, right here. THIS, is the pinnacle of middle-class luxury!!

And that was the last thing they heard you say ...

[robinson]

I picture it as National Lampoon vacation, you are of course Clark Griswold ...

[Bruce]

I picture it as National Lampoon vacation, you are of course Clark Griswold ...

The 2015 remake was surprisingly not terrible.

[sparks]

Congrats and welcome back Bruce! :)

[Bruce]

Congrats and welcome back Bruce! :)

:AwShucksBlush: :BananaCheers:

[Pyrrho]

You have it easy! Back in my day we got lint and pet hair sandwiches for lunch and we were lucky to have it!

[Boss Paul]

You run again . . . we'll kill you.

[Ben Trovado]

Yes, I'm still alive.

Prove it.

(btw: NoZed Avenger here and glad that you have someone willing to continue on and pretend you are not dead. I can only hope that someone will do the same for me some day)

[sparks]

You have it easy! Back in my day we got lint and pet hair sandwiches for lunch and we were lucky to have it!

Lint and pet hair?

You lucky bastard!!

[Doctor X]

Oh we use to dream of lint and pet hair!

We use to have to use each other as pets and shave our own pubic hair to make sandwiches with the lint we randomly snatched off of passing dung gatherers.





But we were happy!

– J.D.

[Ben Trovado]

We used to DREAM of hair and lint sandwiches. . . .

[Hotarubi]

We used to BE the sandwiches.


#win

[Pyrrho]

Eat At Moe's

[Doctor X]

So that was what was in the Hot Pockets.

– J.D.